On Tuesday, the twenty-fourth of September, I had my final visit. I said farewell to someone who has become a dear friend, and now knows more about me than I know about myself. She is moving interstate and so, like a bird with a once-broken wing, I am being set loose into the wilds.
I have such mixed emotions right now, but things are good. I have changed a lot over the time I've been seeing Lizanne; I am certainly not the dazed, confused, and outright suicidal blubbering mess that presented at her door the day before being admitted to hospital.
But some things haven't changed.
I still struggle with major anxiety, being prone to panic attacks at totally unpredictable times. I wish I could do a brain switch with those who cannot comprehend how real these are. The bouts of depression certainly are less severe, but the black dog still visits. Crowds still freak me out, and to be honest, people freak me out! If I can avoid social gatherings, I usually do. Meetings kill me; if I turn up to one it is a miracle - if I participate, even more so. I also still have a hard time accepting praise, belittling the reason for it, not feeling worthy of it. Praise is just awkward!
That being said, I feel joy once more! What may be insignificant to many has taken on new meaning to me; the exquisite taste of banana, fluffy clouds (even snow clouds!) the swirl of the Milky Way overhead on a clear night, the tantalising odours of the main local restaurant strip, a walk in a rainforest, a dip in the ocean, or lake, all bring joy where once there was none.
Mental illness is a cruel, insidious, deadly brute. I deem myself incredibly lucky to have a tender, long-suffering wife who has been and continues to be an incredible strength to me. I have been fortunate to have received incredible community health nurses, who have shown genuine concern and given professional care. I have the utmost admiration for such amazingly dedicated professionals. I have (after some very disturbing and horrific mis-fires) been put on medication that, although not without its side effects, has smoothed some of the bumps and dips. I consider myself most fortunate that work has been very supportive, and that I have some at work whom I call true friends, who put up with me and watch my bottom - er - back. Family and friends have been of immense support. And there have been a great couple of podcasters who have on innumerable occasions put wind in my becalmed, cabin fevered sails, and made me laugh inappropriately in public. They may never know how much influence for good their hilarity has done.
And I am grateful that after one bad experience with a therapist, and an ineffectual one with another, the community Psychiatrist put me in contact with Lizanne. I STILL don't know how conversational psychotherapy works - the sceptic in me is still incredulous at what these sessions have done for me. But they have, I totally concede, been of immense benefit.
The mountain that overlooks the city in which I live has been the topic of many a session; it is another source of joy. After riding home by bus after a session that happened on the same day I picked up my new camera (another source of joy!) I stepped off the bus and happened to glance up at the mountain. I was in awe - so much so that I walked a hundred metres away from my house to get a better shot. I had the photo printed on a small canvas as a "thank you and farewell" gift. She was a bit overwhelmed, as was I. She said that she'd love to put it in her new consulting room. We discussed that a bit and concluded that some may find it foreboding and gloomy. It just shows how far I've come, I guess. This image makes me happy!
So... I'm therapist-less. I'm not seeking a new one; the thought of picking at newly formed healing scabs makes me... well... depressed! So I'm going it alone - except I'm not. There's all those I mentioned before with me, plus others. If you got this far reading this... stream of consciousness, then you are probably with me too. No doubt there are going to be some times of turbulence, and times that I'm not going to be so fun to be around (that hasn't changed!) but I'm hoping I can tolerate all this company.
Thanks!
