Two years back, I was working on a small pet project. For years I'd wanted to get a group together and make a short film. Two years ago today, I posted on Facebook the following. I repost it here so it's easier for me to find and remind myself that I DO finish things sometimes, and it's worth it!
People have asked me, how did the Second day of Shooting go yesterday?
Not as planned. Or... Not as not planned. I kept second-guessing myself with a heap of things, constantly indecisive, and wasted people's time and effort, petrol and temperaments in the process. Weather and temperature and time of sunset were problematic. We got some good footage, but didn't wrap filming. The blooper real should be good though!
Introspection follows:
Most of you know I suffer with anxiety and depression. They are constantly feeding on each other, both sharing the role of cause and effect. I have long bouts of being frozen with anxious inaction, thinking, " Do something... You're wasting time... You are SO going to regret this Not-Actually-Doing-Anything!!!" But if I actually break through that (and for the first 6 months of being payroll clerk, or starting a new job, or having an interview, or an exam, that break through usually involved violently throwing up first) and actually commence something, I am constantly bombarded with thoughts of "this will all end badly... you suck at this... You know you'll just end up quitting like you always do... Quit now before you make a complete fool of yourself... Let's face it, no one believes you can do this... You are surrounded by people who are incredibly kind trying to help you out, but you are wasting their time - and whatever modicum of friendship they may share with you. This is no good... You. Will. Fail."
Mental illness is incideous, and not just mentally but physically debilitating. The last two days of filming, I have started the morning feeling much like anyone would who has two exams, their wedding, the birth of their first child, their driving test, and their first sky-dive all happening that day. It is seriously that bad, and probably understating it. My medication helps me stay the course a lot better than I used to be able to- hey, I don't tend to throw up anymore!- but mental illness is not just "in your head". It manifests itself in quite severe physical ways. (Anyone who has watched me try to wield a pen could vouch for that!)
So if it is so debilitating to even contemplate putting myself through this, why would I? I asked myself that (yet again) in the shower today, still shaking with the agonizing feeling of "I just can't do this!" that has riddled my life for so long. And I had a bit of an "Aha!" moment. It consisted of just three words: "Tour de France".
Every year Wendy (my long-suffering wife) stays up 'til all hours watching this grueling race, and every year I watch a bit, and nearer the end watch in incredulity at the ones at the back, the ones who have been riding for weeks with no hope at all of actually winning. And every year I ask myself, "Those guys are knackered, they are killing themselves, they have no chance of a place; why do they keep going?!?" The aha moment was that the answer to both of my questions is the same.
I'm still not entirely sure what that answer is; I suspect that the fear of regret plays a part, but also know that regret can be a cruel diet for depression.
It may be part of the human psyche to conquer things. I don't know, but I do know this: This film is not going to be the "masterpiece" I have in my head. I don't think I have the "tools" to do that. But I do think that there have been some skills developed during this experience- not just me, but the rest of the crew- that have made this worthwhile. I also know that there is, I think, just an evening's worth of filming left. And I think WE are now more skilled to do it (coming from someone who has never been a team player, due to feeling more comfortable to "inevitably fail" alone, and has therefore found it hard to share out the challenges) and understand more what is involved (the ages waiting, followed by everything happening at once!) I'm hoping that I can convince myself that you also genuinely want to see this through, even though you now have a scarier idea of who you're dealing with: A scared weird little guy trying to complete a Tour de France from the back of the peloton, with a broken collarbone and severe saddle sores. But I need to get it done, and keep the momentum to do it.
Gilbert, Fletcher, Paul, Tyson, Thomas, and Nathan (yes, I still very much want you!), please keep pushing me; we need to do this before Fletcher disappears on his mission, or the Baleno (his very sick car, which features in the film) dies; whichever comes first!
Spoiler Alert:
The short film was, indeed completed. A premiere screening was held in my local Church's recreation hall, with the permission of my local church leader - which, considering some of what goes on the film, was quite a surprise, but for which I'm very grateful to my Bishop! It was invite-only, with cast and crew each adding names to the list. We managed to fill the hall, and even my Doctor (who helped push me along, and is very involved in my mental health care) and her husband came along! I was, of course, a mess, but they seemed to enjoy it.
The film can be found on YouTube, and if you push past the black screen opening credits that go on too long, to where the film starts, it might keep your attention! It can be found here.
