The REALLY, REALLY, HORRIFICALLY URGENT thing you need to do.

(I originally wrote this as a Facebook post back on 16 Aug 2018. Posting here for ease of finding.)

Imagine you're on a bus. (I know that may be difficult for some of you, but humour me.) Something occurs to you that causes you to feel the need to take urgent and immediate action - in much the same way you would react upon seeing a child step out onto a busy road. Hold that "feeling" and stretch it out for a few minutes. You REALLY, REALLY, HORRIFICALLY URGENTLY need to do something about that "something" that occurred to you! Your legs are throbbing with adrenaline, your heart is pounding, you look frantically out of the window of the bus, and... see something you've never noticed before, on a route you've travelled hundreds of time. It's a football field you've seen many times during the day, but never before have you seen it at night under lights, as you suddenly see it now; it instantly conjures up the feeling you're in the middle of a scene from "Field of Dreams"! Then you realise you've been distracted- YOU have an IMPORTANT THING to URGENTLY ATTEND TO!!! NOW! Now. Now- what was it!!! The urgency is still there, your legs are still ready to run, your mind is racing again- but for the love of All Things Bright and Beautiful you CANNOT remember what it was!!! So all your focus, attention, energy and adrenaline are turned towards trying... Trying to remember! You are SURE it was vitally important... Unless. Unless your mind is just being a mongrel. You get home, still anxious, but now trying to tell yourself your mind is just being a mongrel, and there never was something requiring your immediate attention. There wasn't. You'd remember it if it was so very important, so there really wasn't anything. Was there? You eat your dinner, lovingly prepared by a wonderful, patient partner, and then try to destract yourself doing something you would normally enjoy. Maybe... driving a Toyota Supra along a beautiful section of Italian countryside? Maybe a friendly race with other drivers out enjoying the freshly-rain-dampened road? Usually something you'd normally enjoy (because- if you're perfectly honest with yourself- it's the only "place" you really feel safe "behind the wheel of a car") - but not tonight. The heart hasn't stopped racing, the legs are still in fight/flight mode, and you are just angry. Angry at the Artificial Intelligence that just cut you off on a corner. Angry that your GPS is giving you really vague directions. Angry that some fool decided to plant a palm tree "right there where you can't help but hit it." Angry that the race that is meant to be distracting you from your anxiety is just feeding and growing that anxiety, so you make dumb mistakes, that you then blame on "distractions" that happen around you - but not a lit-up football field this time, but your partner who has just come home from yet another trip out playing mum's taxi (because there is no dad's taxi, because see-above) and is just playing with the cat. And you recognise how much of a jerk you just were, and turn off the game. It certainly wasn't helping, which doubly hurts because you've lost (at least for a while) a coping mechanism. You fumble around with a round-about sort of apology to your partner, and explain (also to a cluey child who is present, and old enough to know what's going on) the lead up to what they were hit with. And it seems empty, and foolish, but they seem to get it. Anxiety sucks. It is hardly surprising that depression is it's bedfellow. It strikes without warning, in the middle of a thought, in the midst of happiness or sadness, often with no discernable trigger. Asking "what prompted that" is meaningless. Sympathy and attention is not wanted, just a hope for an increase in understanding. Your reality may vary. This is mine. Except now I'm trying to write this with a cat on my chest. Yes, the cat is real. I think.