"Picking Up The Pieces"

 (Facebook post I wrote back on the 2nd of September, 2015)

A few years back I was walking to work, and started noticing pieces from a jigsaw puzzle scattered alongside the footpath. For over a kilometre the trail of pieces continued, and I thought as I walked, "this is SO like -for me, at least- what having a mental breakdown is like!" Life's pieces scattered; and a mammoth task to find them all, then attempt to put them back together. A task made impossible because some pieces are lost forever. So what do you do? Fortunately some pieces remained snapped together. I was never fully broken! I have been fortunate to have people in my life find lost pieces, and even help snap them back into place. Others have helped turn pieces upright, to make it easier to put "life" back together. Yet others I have felt, watching over my shoulder, resisting the urge to just reach over and put a piece they've spotted into place; because they know I'm stubborn, and, well, that can really irritate a jigsaw puzzler! There have also been times where I've tried desperately to slot a piece into a spot where ultimately it won't go, so I have to return it to the pile. And, alas, I KNOW I don't have all the pieces back. The tradition of finding and placing the edge pieces has made that quite apparent. My life has holes that, in some places, are quite large, and judging from the surrounding area those missing pieces obviously contain important details. What do I do with those gaps? Some I leave empty, hoping that one day the wind will blow that piece back to me. Others I fill in with self-drawn impressions of what I THINK should go there. Some are only crudely drawn with crayon, but others I have filled with vibrant hues of fine tipped markers that I have grown quite proud and fond of; so much so that I may well be reluctant to swap these pieces out if the original ones turn up! Some I continue to search for desperately, because I urgently want them back. Unfortunately I am well aware that there are some sections in my incomplete puzzle that are only now held to the greater part by thin isthmuses of a few interlocking pieces. These have a nasty habit of constantly breaking off, causing me to panic wildly and reach desperately to snap them back in place. Like the pieces by the footpath, some have not weathered well, and no longer snap tightly together. These sections will only be strengthened once more pieces are added back. To those who have helped to pick up the pieces -and some of you may be completely unaware you have- I thank you. And I thank those who have made it through this stream of paragraph-less, tense-changing consciousness. And yes, those ARE photos of the trail of pieces I saw that day!

The REALLY, REALLY, HORRIFICALLY URGENT thing you need to do.

(I originally wrote this as a Facebook post back on 16 Aug 2018. Posting here for ease of finding.)

Imagine you're on a bus. (I know that may be difficult for some of you, but humour me.) Something occurs to you that causes you to feel the need to take urgent and immediate action - in much the same way you would react upon seeing a child step out onto a busy road. Hold that "feeling" and stretch it out for a few minutes. You REALLY, REALLY, HORRIFICALLY URGENTLY need to do something about that "something" that occurred to you! Your legs are throbbing with adrenaline, your heart is pounding, you look frantically out of the window of the bus, and... see something you've never noticed before, on a route you've travelled hundreds of time. It's a football field you've seen many times during the day, but never before have you seen it at night under lights, as you suddenly see it now; it instantly conjures up the feeling you're in the middle of a scene from "Field of Dreams"! Then you realise you've been distracted- YOU have an IMPORTANT THING to URGENTLY ATTEND TO!!! NOW! Now. Now- what was it!!! The urgency is still there, your legs are still ready to run, your mind is racing again- but for the love of All Things Bright and Beautiful you CANNOT remember what it was!!! So all your focus, attention, energy and adrenaline are turned towards trying... Trying to remember! You are SURE it was vitally important... Unless. Unless your mind is just being a mongrel. You get home, still anxious, but now trying to tell yourself your mind is just being a mongrel, and there never was something requiring your immediate attention. There wasn't. You'd remember it if it was so very important, so there really wasn't anything. Was there? You eat your dinner, lovingly prepared by a wonderful, patient partner, and then try to destract yourself doing something you would normally enjoy. Maybe... driving a Toyota Supra along a beautiful section of Italian countryside? Maybe a friendly race with other drivers out enjoying the freshly-rain-dampened road? Usually something you'd normally enjoy (because- if you're perfectly honest with yourself- it's the only "place" you really feel safe "behind the wheel of a car") - but not tonight. The heart hasn't stopped racing, the legs are still in fight/flight mode, and you are just angry. Angry at the Artificial Intelligence that just cut you off on a corner. Angry that your GPS is giving you really vague directions. Angry that some fool decided to plant a palm tree "right there where you can't help but hit it." Angry that the race that is meant to be distracting you from your anxiety is just feeding and growing that anxiety, so you make dumb mistakes, that you then blame on "distractions" that happen around you - but not a lit-up football field this time, but your partner who has just come home from yet another trip out playing mum's taxi (because there is no dad's taxi, because see-above) and is just playing with the cat. And you recognise how much of a jerk you just were, and turn off the game. It certainly wasn't helping, which doubly hurts because you've lost (at least for a while) a coping mechanism. You fumble around with a round-about sort of apology to your partner, and explain (also to a cluey child who is present, and old enough to know what's going on) the lead up to what they were hit with. And it seems empty, and foolish, but they seem to get it. Anxiety sucks. It is hardly surprising that depression is it's bedfellow. It strikes without warning, in the middle of a thought, in the midst of happiness or sadness, often with no discernable trigger. Asking "what prompted that" is meaningless. Sympathy and attention is not wanted, just a hope for an increase in understanding. Your reality may vary. This is mine. Except now I'm trying to write this with a cat on my chest. Yes, the cat is real. I think.

The Impossible Task

This post is a "reprint" of a Twitter thread that I have stumbled upon a number of times over the last year, and reread each time. I share it here mainly for my own benefit for finding it again, and maybe increase the chance that someone who needs it may stumble upon it.

I claim no responsibility for the content, and have maintained the enforced Twitter "Paragraph" structure as much as possible, except where the author indicates a flow on to the next post, where I have joined them up. I have also put a break in where M. Molly Backes returns to the thread a few days later to respond to the overwhelming reaction her original thread caused.  The illustrations are also in the same location in this reproduction as they are in the original Twitter thread post.

I thank her again for her succinct words, that ring so very true for me, and hope she is OK with me sharing them here. The title I have taken from the post itself:

The Impossible Task

A Twitter thread by M. Molly Backes

Aug 28, 2018

Depression commercials always talk about sadness but they never mention that sneaky symptom that everyone with depression knows all too well: the Impossible Task.

The Impossible Task could be anything: going to the bank, refilling a prescription, making your bed, checking your email, paying a bill. From the outside, its sudden impossibility makes ZERO sense.

The Impossible Task is rarely actually difficult. It’s something you’ve done a thousand times. For this reason, it’s hard for outsiders to have sympathy. “Why don’t you just do it & get it over with?” “It would take you like 20 minutes & then it would be done.” OH, WE KNOW.

If you’re grappling with an Impossible Task, you already have these conversations happening in your brain. Plus, there’s probably an even more helpful voice in your brain reminding you of what a screw up you are for not being able to do this seemingly very simple thing.

Another cool thing about the Impossible Task is that it changes on you. One time it might involve calling someone, but maybe you can work around it by emailing. Another time it’s an email issue. Then when you think you have it pinned down, you suddenly can’t do the dishes.

If you currently have one or more Impossible Tasks in your life, be gentle with yourself. You’re not a screw up; depression is just an asshole. Impossible Tasks are usually so dumb that it’s embarrassing to ask for help, but the people who love you should be glad to lend a hand.

If you have a depressed person in your life, ask them what their Impossible Tasks are & figure out ways to help—without judgment. A friend once picked me up, drove me the two blocks to the pharmacy, & came in to help me refill a prescription. TWO BLOCKS. It was an amazing gift.

The one good thing about struggling with Impossible Tasks is that they help you to be gentler & more empathetic with other people in your life, because you know what it’s like. You know. The trick is to turn that gentleness & empathy toward yourself.

_________________________________________

Sept 2, 2018

Hi everyone! I am overwhelmed & deeply gratified by the response to this thread. I have loved hearing from so many of you, & it has been beautiful to see you lifting each other up. I have been trying respond to everyone but I'm afraid there are simply too many to keep up with!

To answer a few common questions:

1) "Impossible Task" is not an official name, just what I've always called it. A psychiatrist might use the term "executive dysfunction."

2) Experiencing this does not necessarily mean you're depressed; it can be a side effect of many conditions including anxiety, ADD, ADHD, OCD, PTSD, autism, grief, stress, fatigue, chronic pain, etc, and/or a combination of the above. If you're concerned about your particular experience, I recommend seeking professional advice (& yes, I realize that can be its own Impossible Task!)

3) Different strategies of treatment--including medication, talk therapy, CBT, meditation, exercise, smooching puppies, etc--work for different people. What works for one might not work for another, & what worked for you in the past may not work in the future.

Let's not be too prescriptive with each other, because statements like "This worked for [whoever], why doesn't it work for you?" or "My cousin was depressed until she started training for a triathlon--why don't you do that?" often feed our inner voices of guilt & shame and lord knows that none of us need MORE guilt rattling around in our brains.

4) Unfortunately, there is nothing you can to do fix someone else. You can't "make" someone get better, no matter how much you love them. It sucks, I know. And sometimes, you can't even help them!

People who are struggling with depression, anxiety, etc, may not allow you to help them with their impossible tasks because they're so embarrassed about them. That's ok! In those cases, you can always leave the door open to future help, & just love them fiercely in the meantime.

5) If you're currently struggling with one or more Impossible Tasks, you're not crazy, you're not lazy, & you're not alone. Try to be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up isn't helping! Consider asking someone to help--sometimes just having company during the task can help.

6) And finally, despite what depression tells you, this won't last forever. There will be a day when you're able to tackle a whole stack of old mail, or drive straight to the post office, or get out of bed without effort. There may even be a day when you WANT to! Those days usually come incrementally, not all at once. But one day, hopefully in the near future, you'll feel like your favorite version of yourself again, and it will feel like seeing the sunshine for the first time in ages. It's coming, I promise. Until then, hang in there.

Take care of yourself, even if that means cutting major corners in your life, or not being "productive," or living on Netflix & takeout for a while. It's okay. And try to let others take care of you, too, even when you don't believe you deserve it.

Remember that people want to help you because they love you, & allowing them to do something for you is its own form of kindness. Don't rob your friends of the chance to feel good by helping you do something that's impossible for you but a cinch for them!

Last thing: whenever you're tempted to beat yourself up for being "lazy," remember that you fought harder to get out of bed & get yourself dressed today than the average person could even imagine. You're not lazy. Your mountains are just that much steeper. Keep going. ❤️